XXII.
THE MANAGEMENT OF YOUNG
CHILDREN.
IN regard to the physical education of children, Dr. Clarke,
Physician in Ordinary to the Queen of England, expresses views on one
point, in which most physicians would coincide. He says, "There is no
greater error in the management of children, then that of giving them
animal diet very early. By persevering in the use of an over-stimulating
diet the digestive organs become irritated, and the various secretions
immediately connected with digestion, and necessary to it, are
diminished, especially the biliary
secretion. Children so fed become very liable to attacks of
fever, and inflammation, affecting particularly the mucous membranes;
and measles and other diseases incident to childhood, are generally
severe in their attacks."
The result of the treatment of the inmates of the Orphan Asylum, at
Albany, is one which all who have the care of young children should
deeply ponder. During the first six years of the existence of this
institution, its average number of children was eighty. For the first
three years, their diet was meat once a day, fine bread, rice, Indian
puddings, vegetables, fruit, and milk. Considerable attention was given
to clothing, fresh air, and exercise; and they were bathed once in three
weeks. During these three years, from four to six children, and
sometimes more, were continually on the sick-list; one or two assistant
nurses were necessary; a physician was called two or three times a week;
and, in this time, there were between thirty and forty deaths. At the
end of this period, the management was changed, in
these respects: daily ablutions of the whole body were practiced; bread
of unbolted flour was substituted for that of fine wheat; and all animal
food was banished. More attention also was paid to clothing, bedding,
fresh air, and exercise.
The result was, that the nursery was vacated; the nurse and
physician were no longer needed; and, for two years, not a single case
of sickness or death occurred. The third year also, there were no
deaths, except those of two idiots and one other child, all of whom were
new inmates, who had not been subjected to this treatment. The teachers
of the children also testified there was a manifest increase of
intellectual vigor and activity, while there was much less irritability
of temper.
Let parents, nurses, and teachers reflect on the above statement,
and bear in mind that stupidity of intellect, and irritability of
temper, as well as ill-health, are often caused by the mismanagement of
the nursery in regard to the physical training of children.
There is probably no practice more deleterious, than that of
allowing children to eat at short intervals, through the day. As the
stomach is thus kept constantly at work, with no time for repose, its
functions are deranged, and a weak or disordered stomach is the frequent
result. Children should be required to keep cakes, nuts, and other good
things, which should be sparingly given, till just before a meal, and
then they will form a part of their regular supply. This is better than
to wait till after their hunger is satisfied by food, when they will eat
the niceties merely to gratify the palate, and thus overload the stomach
and interrupt digestion.
In regard to the intellectual training of young children, some
modification in the common practice is necessary, with reference to
their physical well-being. More care is needful, in providing
well-ventilated school-rooms,
and in securing more time for sports in the open air, during school
hours. It is very important to most mothers that their young children
should be removed from their care during certain school hours; and it is
very useful for quite young children, to be subjected to the discipline
of a school, and to intercourse with other children of their own age.
And, with a suitable teacher, it is no matter how early children are
sent to school, provided their health is not endangered by impure air,
too much confinement, and too great mental stimulus, which is the chief
danger of the present age.
In regard to the formation of the moral character, it has been too
much the case that the discipline of the nursery has consisted of
disconnected efforts to make children either do, or refrain from doing,
certain particular acts. Do this, and be rewarded; do that, and be
punished; is the ordinary routine of family government.
But children can be very early taught that their happy ness, both
now and hereafter, depends on the formation of
habits of submission,
self-denial, and benevolence. And all the discipline of the nursery can
be conducted by parents, not only with this general aim in their own
minds, but also with the same object daily set before the minds of the
children. Whenever their wishes are crossed, or their wills subdued,
they can be taught that all this is done, not merely to please the
parent, or to secure some good to themselves or to others; but as a part
of that merciful training which is designed to form such a character,
and such habits, that they can hereafter find their chief happiness in
giving up their will to God, and in living to do good to others, instead
of living merely to please themselves.
It can be pointed out to them, that they must always submit their
will to the will of God, or else be continually miserable. It can be
shown how, in the nursery, and in the school, and through all future
days, a child must practice the giving up of his will and wishes, when
they interfere with the rights and comfort of others; and how important
it is, early to learn to do this, so that it will, by
habit, become easy and agreeable. It can be shown how children who are
indulged in all their wishes, and who are never accustomed to any
self-denial, always find it hard to refrain from what injures themselves
and others. It can be shown, also, how important it is for every person
to form such habits of benevolence toward others that self-denial in
doing good will become easy.
Parents have learned, by experience, that children can be
constrained by authority and penalties to exercise self-denial, for
their own good, till a habit is
formed which makes the duty comparatively easy. For example, well
trained children can be accustomed to deny themselves tempting articles
of food, which are injurious, until the practice ceases to be painful
and difficult. Whereas, an indulged child would be thrown into fits of
anger or discontent, when its wishes were crossed by restraints of this
kind.
But it has not been so readily discerned, that the same method is
needful in order to form a habit of self-denial in doing good to others.
It has been supposed that while children must be forced, by
authority, to be self-denying
and prudent in regard to their own happiness, it may properly be left to
their own discretion, whether they will practice any self-denial in
doing good to others. But the more difficult a duty is, the greater is
the need of parental authority in forming a habit which will make that
duty easy.
In order to secure this, some parents turn their earliest efforts to
this object. They require the young child always to offer to others a
part of every thing which it receives; always to comply with all
reasonable requests of others for service; and often to practice little
acts of self-denial, in order to secure some enjoyment for others. If
one child receives a present of some nicety, he is required to share it
with all his brothers and sisters. If one asks his brother to help him
in some study or sport, and is met with a denial, the parent requires
the unwilling child to act
benevolently, and give up some of his time to increase his brother's
enjoyment. Of course, in such an effort as this, discretion must be used
as to the frequency and extent of the exercise of authority, to induce a
habit of benevolence. But where parents deliberately aim at such an
object, and wisely conduct their instructions and discipline to secure
it, very much will be accomplished.
In regard to forming habits of obedience, there have been two
extremes, both of which need to be shunned. One is, a stern and
unsympathizing maintenance of parental authority, demanding perfect and
constant obedience, without any attempt to convince a child of the
propriety and benevolence of the requisitions, and without any
manifestation of sympathy and tenderness for the pain and difficulties
which are to be met. Under such discipline, children grow up to fear
their parents, rather than to love and trust them; while some of the
most valuable principles of character are chilled, or forever blasted.
In shunning this danger, other parents pass to the opposite extreme.
They put themselves too much on the footing of equals with their
children, as if little were due to superiority of relation, age, and
experience. Nothing is exacted, without the implied concession that the
child is to be a judge of the propriety of the requisition; and reason
and persuasion are employed, where simple command and obedience would be
far better. This system produces a most pernicious influence. Children
soon perceive the position thus allowed them, and take every advantage
of it. They soon learn to dispute parental requirements, acquire habits
of forwardness and conceit, assume disrespectful manners and address,
maintain their views with pertinacity, and yield to authority with
ill-humor and resentment, as if their rights were infringed upon.
The medium course is for the parent to take the attitude of a
superior in age, knowledge, and relation, who has a perfect
right to control every action of
the child, and that,
too, without giving any reason for the requisitions. "Obey
because your parent co mmands,"
is always a proper and sufficient reason: though not always the best to
give.
But care should be taken to convince the child that the parent is
conducting a course of discipline, designed to make him happy; and in
forming habits of implicit obedience, self-denial, and benevolence, the
child should have the reasons for most requisitions kindly stated;
never, however, on the demand of it from the child, as a right, but as
an act of kindness from the parent.
It is impossible to govern children properly, especially those of
strong and sensitive feelings, without a constant effort to appreciate
the value which they attach to their enjoyments and pursuits. A lady of
great strength of mind and sensibility once told the writer that one of
the most acute periods of suffering in her whole life was occasioned by
the burning up of some milkweed-silk, by her mother. The child had
found, for the first time, some of this shining and beautiful substance;
was filled with delight at her discovery; was arranging it in parcels;
planning its future use, and her pleasure in showing it to her
companions--when her mother, finding it strewed over the carpet, hastily
swept it into the fire, and that, too, with so indifferent an air, that
the child fled away, almost distracted with grief and disappointment.
The mother little realized the pain she had inflicted, but the child
felt the unkindness so severely that for several days her mother was an
object almost of aversion. While, therefore, the parent needs to carry
on a steady course, which will oblige the child always to give up its
will, whenever its own good or the greater claims of others require it,
this should be constantly connected with the expression of a tender
sympathy for the trials and disappointments thus inflicted.
Those, again, who will join with children and help them in their
sports, will learn by this mode to understand the feelings and interests
of childhood; while at the same time,
they secure a degree of confidence and affection which can not be gained
so easily in any other way. And it is to be regretted that parents so
often relinquish this most powerful mode of influence to domestics and
playmates, who often use it in the most pernicious manner. In joining in
such sports, older persons should never yield entirely the attitude of
superiors, or allow disrespectful manners or address. And respectful
deportment is never more cheerfully accorded, than in seasons when young
hearts are pleased and made grateful by having their tastes and
enjoyments so efficiently promoted.
Next to the want of all government, the two most fruitful sources of
evil to children are, unsteadiness
in government and over-government.
Most of the cases in which the children of sensible and conscientious
parents turn out badly, result from one or the other of these causes. In
cases of unsteady government, either one parent is very strict, severe
and unbending, and the other excessively indulgent, or else the parents
are sometimes very strict and decided, and at other times allow
disobedience to go unpunished. In such cases, children, never knowing
exactly when they can escape with impunity, are constantly tempted to
make the trial.
The bad effects of this can be better appreciated by reference to
one important principle of the mind. It is found to be universally true,
that, when any object of desire is put entirely beyond the reach of hope
or expectation, the mind very soon ceases to long for it, and turns to
other objects of pursuit. But so long as the mind is hoping for some
good, and making efforts to obtain it, any opposition excites irritable
feelings. Let the object be put entirely beyond all hope, and this
irritation soon ceases.
In consequence of this principle, those children who are under the
care of persons of steady and decided government know that whenever a
thing is forbidden or denied, it is out of the reach of hope; the
desire, therefore, soon ceases, and
they turn to other objects. But the children of undecided, or of
over-indulgent parents, never enjoy this preserving aid. When a thing is
denied, they never know but either coaxing may win it, or disobedience
secure it without any penalty, and so they are kept in that state of
hope and anxiety which produces irritation and tempts to
insubordination. The children of very indulgent parents, and of those
who are undecided and unsteady in government, are very apt to become
fretful, irritable, and fractions.
Another class of persons, in shunning this evil, go to the other
extreme, and are very strict and pertinacious in regard to every
requisition. With them, fault-finding and penalties abound, until the
children are either hardened into indifference of feeling, and
obtuseness of conscience, or else become excessively irritable or
misanthropic.
It demands great wisdom, patience, and self-control, to escape these
two extremes. In aiming at this, there are parents who have found the
following maxims of very great value:
First: Avoid, as much as possible, the multiplication of rules and
absolute commands. Instead of this, take the attitude of advisers. "My
child, this is improper, I wish you would remember not to do it." This
mode of address answers for all the little acts of heedlessness,
awkwardness, or ill-manners so frequently occurring with children. There
are cases, when direct and distinct commands are needful; and in such
cases, a penalty for disobedience should be as steady and sure as the
laws of nature. Where such steadiness and certainty of penalty attend
disobedience, children no more think of disobeying than they do of
putting their fingers into a burning candle.
The next maxim is, Govern by rewards more than by penalties. Such
faults as willful disobedience, lying, dishonesty, and indecent or
profane language, should be punished with severe penalties, after a
child has been fully instructed in the evil of such practices. But all
the constantly
recurring faults of the nursery, such as ill-humor, quarreling,
carelessness, and ill-manners, may, in a great many cases, be regulated
by gentle and kind remonstrances, and by the offer of some reward for
persevering efforts to form a good habit. It is very injurious and
degrading to any mind to be kept under the constant fear of penalties.
Love and
hope are the principles that
should be mainly relied on, in forming the habits of childhood.
Another maxim, and perhaps the most difficult, is, Do not govern by
the aid of severe and angry tones. A single example will be given to
illustrate this maxim. A child is disposed to talk and amuse itself at
table. The mother requests it to be silent, except when needing to ask
for food, or when spoken to by its older friends. It constantly forgets.
The mother, instead of rebuking in an impatient tone, says, "My child,
you must remember not to talk. I will remind you of it four times more,
and after that, whenever you forget, you must leave the table and wait
till we are done." If the mother is steady in her government, it is not
probable that she will have to apply this slight penalty more than once
or twice. This method is far more effectual than the use of sharp and
severe tones, to secure attention and recollection, and often answers
the purpose as well as offering some reward.
The writer has been in some families where the most efficient and
steady government has been sustained without the use of a cross or angry
tone; and in others, where a far less efficient discipline was kept up,
by frequent severe rebukes and angry remonstrances. In the first case,
the children followed the example set them, and seldom used severe tones
to each other; in the latter, the method employed by the parents was
imitated by the children, and cross words and angry tones resounded from
morning till night, in every portion of the household.
Another important maxim is, Try to keep children in a happy state of
mind. Every one knows, by experience,
that it is easier to do right and submit to rule when cheerful and
happy, than when irritated. This is peculiarly true of children; and a
wise mother, when she finds her child fretful and impatient, and thus
constantly doing wrong, will often remedy the whole difficulty, by
telling some amusing story, or by getting the child engaged in some
amusing sport. This strongly shows the importance of learning to govern
children without the employment of angry tones, which always produce
irritation.
Children of active, heedless temperament, or those who are odd,
awkward, or unsuitable in their remarks and deportment, are often
essentially injured by a want of patience and self-control in those who
govern them. Such children often possess a morbid sensibility which they
strive to conceal, or a desire of love and approbation, which preys like
a famine on the soul. And yet, they become objects of ridicule and
rebuke to almost every member of the family, until their sensibilities
are tortured into obtuseness or misanthropy. Such children, above all
others, need tenderness and sympathy. A thousand instances of mistake or
forgetfulness should be passed over in silence, while opportunities for
commendation and encouragement should be diligently sought.
In regard to the formation of habits of self-denial in childhood, it
is astonishing to see how parents who are very sensible often seem to
regard this matter. Instead of inuring their children to this duty in
early life, so that by habit it may be made easy in after-days, they
seem to be studiously seeking to cut them off from every chance to
secure such a preparation. Every wish of the child is studiously
gratified; and, where a necessity exists of crossing its wishes, some
compensating pleasure is offered, in return. Such parents often maintain
that nothing shall be put on their table, which their children may not
join them in eating. But where, so easily and surely as at the daily
meal, can that habit of self-denial be formed, which is so needful
in governing the appetites, and which children must acquire, or be
ruined? The food which is proper for grown persons, is often unsuitable
for children; and this is a sufficient reason for accustoming them to
see others partake of delicacies, which they must not share. Requiring
children to wait till others are helped, and to refrain from
conversation at table, except when addressed by their elders, is another
mode of forming habits of self-denial and self-control. Requiring them
to help others first, and to offer the best to others, has a similar
influence.
In forming the moral habits of children, it is wise to take into
account the peculiar temptations to which they are to be exposed. The
people of this nation are eminently a trafficking people; and the
present standard of honesty, as to trade and debts, is very low, and
every year seems sinking still lower. It is, therefore, preëminently
important, that children should be trained to strict
honesty, both in word and deed.
It is not merely teaching children to avoid absolute lying, which is
needed: all kinds of deceit
should be guarded against; and all kinds of little dishonest practices
be strenuously opposed. A child should be brought up with the determined
principle, never to run in debt,
but to be content to live in a humbler way, in order to secure that true
independence, which should be the noblest distinction of an American
citizen.
There is no more important duty devolving upon a mother, than the
cultivation of habits of modesty and propriety in young children. All
indecorous words or deportment should be carefully restrained; and
delicacy and reserve studiously cherished. It is a common notion, that
it is important to secure these virtues to one sex, more than to the
other; and, by a strange inconsistency, the sex most exposed to danger
is the one selected as least needing care. Yet a wise mother will be
especially careful that her sons are trained to modesty and purity of
mind.
Yet few mothers are sufficiently aware of the dreadful
penalties which often result from indulged impurity of thought. If
children, in future life, can be
preserved from licentious associates, it is supposed that their safety
is secured. But the records of our insane retreats, and the pages of
medical writers, teach that even in solitude, and without being aware of
the sin or the danger, children may inflict evils on themselves, which
not unfrequently terminate in disease, delirium, and death.
There is no necessity for explanations on this point any farther
than this; that certain parts of the body are not to be touched except
for purposes of cleanliness, and that the most dreadful suffering comes
from disobeying these commands. So in regard to practices and sins of
which a young child will sometimes inquire, the wise parent will say,
that this is what children can not understand, and about which they must
not talk or ask questions. And they should be told that it is always a
bad sign, when children talk on matters which parents call vulgar and
indecent, and that the company of such children should be avoided.
Disclosing details of wrong-doing to young and curious children, often
leads to the very evils feared. But parents and teachers, in this age of
danger, should be well informed and watchful; for it is not unfrequently
the case, that servants and school-mates will teach young children
practices, which exhaust the nervous system and bring on paralysis,
mania, and death.
And finally, in regard to the early religious training of children,
the examples of the Creator in the early training of our race may safely
be imitated. That "He is, and is a rewarder"--that he is everywhere
present--that he is a tender Father in heaven, who is grieved when any
of his children do wrong, yet ever ready to forgive those who are
striving to please him by well-doing, these are the most effective
motives to save the young from the paths of danger and sin. The rewards
and penalties of the life to come are better adapted to maturer age,
than to the imperfect and often false and fearful conceptions of the
childish mind.
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